Wait, where did it all go?

I've been dropping things lately, like sand falling through my fingers.  I have peace about each decision, but all of a sudden I realise there is nothing left in my hands.

I have stopped working with Teen Challenge, though have not quit on this ministry to which the Lord has called me.

I have left the Church I was at, though look for a new body to challenge and enthuse me

I have no savings, yet a job application form sits in my recycling bin.

In fact, apart from my studies I am holding on to very little right now.  And from the outside I'm sure it looks rather unrighteous and illogical.  Its certainly unsettling.

So with nothing to bring to the table, I ask the Lord to fill my hands once more. And meanwhile I must be content to trust in the mystery of his ways.

"Would you like an Earl Grey or are you more of a Coke person?"

There are several girls I hold in my heart as sisters.  These are the women whose weddings I will sob at, children I will devote myself to and achievements I will wholeheartedly celebrate.

Recently I made room in my heart for another.  She is Northern Irish.  She has to have cereal before she goes to bed, she never says no to a cup of tea, she can't tell a story sitting down and she captivates rooms full of people.  Without fail she captivates rooms.  We bicker like an old married couple, we nap together, we can have conversations by looking at each other. She's the one who talks me through my (frequent) tears.

And I want to share this evening as a snapshot of how she revives my spirit.  She came into my room (she doesn't bother knocking anymore) and sat on my bed with her guitar.  She played some worship but didn't sing.  Now I've sat by her in chapel before so I know she can sing and asked her to do so now.  But she refuses, she says she can't sing.  Eventually I persuade her to and she plays me a worship song she has written, with the beautiful voice of one who recognizes her source of grace.  She does not see the weight of who she is, through no fault of her own.

She then made up a song about me and the fact she had caught me wearing a facing mask, my big feet... cute stuff like that.

Then we worshiped.

And she is beautiful and talented and sweet and humble and strong.

And she is my reminder that it's okay that I don't have a valentine this year.  And she is my reminder that i'm far from being alone.

Revival begins in the Home.

The one body, the bride, to whom our lover will return.  The bride is Schizophrenic.

If you are yet to discover the dysfunction, split ideas, paranoia of the bride, I suggest you move into a Christian community for a few semesters.  You will soon find she can't decide if she loves or hates herself and has tragically cold feet about whether her groom is worth her commitment and soft devotion.

I live in a diverse community.  People from different upbringings and cultures.  I love my home, I love that there is always something going on, stories to tell, jokes to be made, somebody to have midnight snacks with, a sister to cry with.

  But there are also times when I am in despair at the craziness.  Two days ago we had one girl bring her sock draw downstairs so we can reclaim our stolen underwear.  We disrespect each others time by not cleaning or washing up.  Nobody takes the rubbish out.  We make fun of each other (especially when international students pronounce words wrong...endless hours of entertainment).  We fight over fridge space.  I have struggle with gossiping like I haven't in years.  The other night I couldn't sleep for the guy in the room below me playing his guitar at 1am, "worship the Lord in the MORNING for goodness sake!" I wanted to scream.

But the groom will return soon and he considers his bride to be pure and beautiful.  What a challenge, what a charge.  Where is my patience? Where is my appreciation? Where is our unity?

He has never left me and I'm yet to be forsaken.

Googling whether there are riots on tonight that will cause roads to be closed.  Studying a map of the city centre for the thousandth time.  Wrapping up in a hundred layers.  Okay I am exaggerating but I was nervous to be back at placement after the Christmas break.

I drove in, I got lost, I can NOT grasp the one way system and let me tell you there is nothing more frustrating than going right next to where you are supposed to be and then being in the wrong lane so end up doing U-turns up the Shankill.  I called local friends, no reply.  I called the women I work with; wounded pride.

Got lost several more times, parked and walked.

For the first time no women came to the bus.  When we did our rounds it was dead on the streets.

Drove home, got lost, found my way, and the tears came.

I have been given such a specific call over my life; it is impressive and exciting.  And I absolutely can not do it.

Humbled.  Defeated.  Disapointed.

But I am certain those prayers of loneliness and desperation when I'm lost in an unfamiliar city and it is just the Lord and I, I am certain that they are the purest.  In those moments I'm not a Christian, or good, or a theology student;

I am simply lost and I need my God.

Peace mine to hold.

I've been in the buddy system before and it doesn't work.  The younger is nervous of the older and the older has no time for the younger.  So when we were assigned 'buddies' at the start of college, I wasn't so much skeptical as just uninterested.

So, I was introduced to a beautiful red headed girl who asked for my number asked if I had any questions etc and that was that.  However she has persisted to keep in contact with me, asking how things are, letting me know she saw me in Chapel and that she liked my dress, filling me in on how module choices work, eating lunch with me and letting me know she is praying for me.

She text me over Christmas to check in on how its going with family and with studies.  Then last night she sent me a text about how her sermon at Church had been on peace and how it had impacted her view of study.  She encouraged me to claim my Prince of Peace.

I so often overlook peace.  One of the most soothing and transforming gifts on offer, just waiting to be received. I thank the Lord for this renewal and hope to remember if afresh each day.

Compulsory reflection of where 2012 took me.

• Lived in America
• Jamaica (missions)
• Working with a homeless charity, a school and Normandale Baptist Church
• New Orleans (Missions)
• Austin (shopping haha)
• Moved back to England
• London (to visit my sweet sister)
• Centre Parcs
• Thailand (Missions)
• Moved to Belfast
• Started Theology degree
• Trip to America
• Started serving with Teen
• Home for Christmas

Lengthy rant about the secret hazelnut famine.

Welcome to today: Was woken up to my Mum saying goodbye as Emma and her were going for a girl day. Awesome, thanks for the invite.  Hadn't heard from the girl who had asked to hang out today.  So I thought well hello home-alone-pyjama-day.  Because I was feeling fragile and we all need one of those every once in a while.  I decided i'd try a Nigella biscotti recipe as its my current favourite food.  Turned out Mum had used the hazelnuts in a fruit and nut mix so I thought no worries, I'll pop to the supermarket round the corner.  Now remember this is a pj day so whilst I did put jeans on, I kept the pyjama top and Mum's Aran cardigan under my giant coat.

Well as it goes they didn't have hazelnuts and what felt like days of defeat later I returned from a hot and bothered trip around Whitley (couldn't unzip my coat, messy hair, bad skin) with NO hazelnuts.  I tried every supermarket and nobody had hazelnuts   Why?  At this point i'd wasted half of my 'relaxing day' and headed home (with a complimentary text from a guy letting me know he'd seen me...brilliant!) to recover by indulging in too much Ben and Jerrys.  New Years resolution regarding comfort food: broken.

Tried to study but too frustrated, had a wave of determination that this biscotti WOULD be made.  Picked the hazelnuts out of Mum's fruit and nut mix, had T-pain blasting and then I realised we didn't have enough plain flour.

You know these days, its not the first, it wont be the last.  But I switched to some worship music and was reminded that learning to hold tight is a valid lesson from the Lord.  In these small frustrations I've forgotten that I'm blessed, that I'm being molded, that I do need patience and a soft heart.  And whilst some will learn these lessons setting up an Orphanage in Africa ,today I'm learning them up to my fringe in sticky biscotti dough.

You'll be pleased to know self-raising flour seems to have done the trick and I have some rather beautiful biscotti cooling next door.  But I assure you next time I buy biscotti in Starbucks, I will be glad to pay that £1.

The accumulation of beauty.

I left a note on my parent's bed tonight to let them know that I am sincerely glad to have spent this Christmas with my family.  I did this firstly because yesterday my stance may have been questionable.  It was Christmas Eve and I was worried that I may have found myself stuck in a rut.  This is because I looked back to last year; living away from home, in a different country...I began to worry that a year on and I may be heading in the wrong direction; doomed to become a child again Benjamin Button style.

So Mum and I spent the evening on the sofa playing eye spy, making silly plans for the future; houses, jobs, weddings.  And remembering that life is long and its worthwhile taking the time to slowly develop beauty and good character.  I was reminded I'm not in a rush.

Then Christmas came and this year tradition was swept aside for me (though Dad and Emz have been doing this for a few years) and all four of us went to serve the homeless lunch at the People's Kitchen.  How nice to be together as a family (for obvious reasons Christmas morning church used to cause a divide).  How nice to have a homeless man tell you, "Your Father is a top man!" and to be introduced to all the people who respect your Dad.  How nice for young men fallen on hard times to ask you for a cuddle because its Christmas, or to laugh at yourself because a kiss on the cheek from the local big issue seller is the closest you are going to get to Christmas romance. And oh how nice to have crimped hair the rest of Christmas because you HAD to wear a santa hat.  It was fun, it felt like Christmas.

And then for both Grandmas to come round for family dinner. Grannie because she is usually in Wales, Granmummy because she wrote, "I miss you and Emma when you are away the house is empty" in my Christmas card.  She isn't one to ever share feelings so this melted my heart.  I actually cut it out and stuck it in the cover of my journal, that's how much it meant. And yes I got to be frustrated by yet ANOTHER year without being able to drink wine... or whiskey... or port.  Though I will be thankful for that when we embark on the boxing day run tomorrow morning.

And then as I tidied my room to make space for my new gifts, I stumbled upon my memory boxes.  I hadn't gone through them in forever so it was such fun to reflect on the different phases of life.  Medals, photos, letters, keepsakes.  And then I started a new one, for this phase.  This sweet and colourful phase.  Merry Christmas, today is a good day.

To be known, to be accepted.

I have discovered in myself a great conviction that one of the greatest human needs is to be known and to be accepted.  Undoubtedly at times our balance is lost and in our great desire to be accepted we lose ourselves and are no longer truly known.  Or with equal heart ache we can make too much of ourselves vulnerable in a quest to be known and in doing so make it hard for people to accept us.

And I think this is the loneliness of a break up.  You are still known but no longer accepted.  I see my struggle against this, its harmless but evident.  New hairstyle, new clothes, new passions, travel plans I will never follow through on.  A silent scream that I am ever changing, impossible to pin down; that there is more to me than was walked away from.

And then to add to the suffocation there's the fear inevitable change brings.  The realisation that alas you are in fact no longer known so well by another.  Aspects of life remain secret that once would have been shared and recorded in a conversation or a text or a call.

Its a confusing process.  Its growing and quieting.  Where there's sadness joy can thrive; where there's doubt, hope is treasured.  I may be confused but I am not overwhelmed.  His scars from the cross are my balance, knowledge and acceptance is already complete.

God in my waking, God in my sleeping.

"Every day I sit and look on you.  I watch you, holding my heart so that it does not explode, so that I don't forget myself and grasp you to myself.  Such is my delight in you and how you move, how you think and formulate your understanding.  How you get restless when people lack passion, how you cry at great love or great injustice.

I sing when you talk to me, I literally sing, because I know we share secrets and they are my joy.  To know you have shared with me your secret loves and hopes and tears.  To hear your true opinions and the things you are sorry for that you need never be.

I weep when you weep, when I hear you long for me to hold you because you can not hold yourself.  I weep when you doubt yourself or others express their doubts over you.

When you shy back from boldness because you've believed the shame, I am not angry at you, I am angry at my enemy who has hurt you to get to me.

I am nervous when you fear your future is small, because I know that every day you have the choice to walk away from me.  And I breathe easy each night as I get to hold you as you sleep in safety.  I know you are worried you think and cry too much, but do not be afraid.  This is something I need from you as I clothe you for the battle you will fight. I could not be more glad that you are mine and there is nothing, nothing I would not do for you to choose me every day.

I will wash you and heal you and sing my praises over you.  Every day, just as much as you need my child.  I love you perfectly, Abba."

Instead of your shame there shall be a double portion.

I go to a college full of single christian boys and it is not until just now that I find myself putting on make up and worrying about what to wear.  Tonight I am going out to do life with women working on the streets for the first time (i'm on the lookout for an alternative to the label 'prostitute' it doesn't seem to quite fit right).

And I am absolutely nervous.  But this is the order of my butterflies:

1. Driving, a wonderful couple are letting me borrow their car but it is French, so the steering wheel is on the wrong side, the gear stick is different and its in km not miles.  I have also never driven in this country before and am already not confident with my driving abilities.  So here is my first chance to conquer my fears: you can't live your life scared.

2. What if the women don't like me?  Hence the make up and the clothes worrying... I even nearly took my glasses off to get my contacts then realised I was being ridiculous.  I'm pretty sure its usually the prostitutes that worry middle-class, christian girls won't like them. (The glasses are staying on by the way).

3.  Then comes the what if I get stabbed by an angry pimp fear.  Perfectly rational haha.

So it is probably pretty evident that I don't know what to expect, but I do know more than probably any other evening in my life that I am walking in the Lord's will for me on this night.  So whether I get lost or crash or don't fit in or my safety is at risk, it is for the glory of God.  "Here am I! Send me."

"He has sent me to bind up the broken hearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound... They shall build up the ancient ruins; they shall raise up the former devastation  they shall repair the ruined cities, the devastation of many generations." Isaiah 61

Love is not a victory march.

"You wont relent until you have it all," I've sung it, I've believed it but now I feel the weight of it.  A wise lady in my life spoke to me of how when we love there is always the risk of hurting, but we do not stop loving.  That is the beauty of love, that we pour enough in that it hurts to be apart.  We can protect ourselves from the risk of hurt by loving half heartedly or not at all, but this is not what we were made for.  And I will not let myself make that compromise.

Its hard to not be sad over the future I had nurtured and planned out for myself but I keep going back to a conversation I had with another friend I have been blessed to meet at college.  He talked about how back home in Kenya, they have a completely different concept of time.  Time, for them, is not an entity to be utilized, it is not slipping away.  When you stop to talk with someone, you are making time not wasting time.  He also talked of how they only have a 2 year concept of future and past.  If he were to make plans for something any further away they would ask him why he was worrying about it.  There is no such thing as 'your 5 year plan.'  What a stress relief that would be! I have tried to keep this in the back of mind lately.  I have no reason to believe the Lord will not be faithful with his plans of good for me, as he has each second of each day of my life so far.

And lastly, God has spurred me on with hope as he refocuses me on my calling.  A spot has opened up for the Thursday night prostitute ministry with Teen Challenge.  So I will be reducing my time working with the homeless men at the night shelter.  I can not believe this is happening quite honestly, I had always wondered what country, what organisation, what qualifications would be my way in to this work.  Yet the Lord has brought it right into my lap. I am so excited and so very terrified, I am completely unequipped, even getting there I am scared for (some beautiful friends are letting me drive their car).  But I finally feel like I have no time for my insecurities and lack of confidence anymore.  Life is too short, and some things are too important.

So there it is, my cold and broken hallelujah.

"...let the bones you have broken rejoice." Psalm 51.

Soli deo Gloria.

You have to be shaken to be sifted.

Abraham was made an unbelievable promise, that his name would be carried on, that his descendants would out number the stars of the sky.  He was given a son.  Then one day, the Lord asked for him back, he didn't reach in and snatched him, he required Abraham to offer up what was most precious to him.

There are times when the Lord asks this of us too, to carry what we've been holding close and take it to the fire to be sacrificed, a love offering to a jealous God.  Abraham didn't know that the Lord would intervene and neither can we; there is a chance that the fire will refine, and there is a chance that it will burn to cinders.

Better to let the Lord return your heart as cinders than to boast the silver of the world.  Better but painful.

'That she may be crowned'

I was always comforted by the idea that we are slaves to righteousness, it meant I wasn't a slave to anything else.  And then a little while ago it didn't seem so appealing anymore. Discipline, accountability, righteousness: what is the point? I'm still saved, I can still love.

Then recently I have been thinking a lot about crowns.  I've realised that we are all crowned by something, be it Satan or self-gratification or selflessness or faithfulness.  But the crown of Jesus is one of thistles and endurance and passionate, scandalous love.  The one he promises is one of glory and honor and righteousness. Tertullian urges woman to be of a godly and modest nature, "....when woman proves stronger than torturing man, when she suffers fires or crosses or sword or wild beasts that she may be crowned."

That she may be crowned.

The crown is a reminder to me that the fight is not in vain, that I am living for eternity and the crown that awaits me there.  It's cute to be carefree and reckless but the truth is, I'm always choosing a crown.

Introducing Lola.

It all started at Starbucks, during my visit to Texas a couple of weeks ago. We ordered our drinks and Cathy asked us if we have 'coffee names.'  JJ and I hadn't heard of this concept so she explained that when asked for her name in coffee shops she says that her name is Kate....and apparently its not just her.  The idea is that you give a name easier to spell, or if you don't want your real name called out.  Well I don't really have an issue with either of these but Janet and I saw this as a chance to explore our alter egos.

Introducing Lola...

Lola lives in Paris where she can drink red wine, lots of black coffee, wear black all the time and smoke.  She spends her time in abstract loneliness but uses this to give depth to her art.  She works in bars and cafes but never long enough in one place for people to get to know her. Lola likes to read most of the day away, sometimes novels, sometimes history or philosophy, but she never speaks of her knowledge because she doesn't seek to impress but to understand.  Other days she just sleeps all day,only waking up to cook, drink and smoke, in black.

This is Lola, and this is who now collects my coffee.

Processing today...for my benefit more than anybody else's

Even as I woke up, I think I could tell today was going to be a hard day.  So I was thankful that in our fellowship group time my group went to the America diner in the village for breakfast.  It was a welcomed break in the middle of my Early Church History class...the one module so far that goes completely over my head.  The lecturer talks about people, fathers, places and events that I have never heard of, and his accent is such that I can't pick up on the new words he says to make note to look them up. Its interesting, just overwhelming.

Then at lunch I had a meeting about the placement I have signed up to be a part of. And it broke through my heart. The organisation is Teen Challenge, set up by David Wilkerson in New York to work with young people with addictions.  You may have read about him in 'The Cross and the Switchblade' or 'Run Baby Run.'  And today I met with the man who has set up a Teen Challenge in Belfast, working with people who's lives have been shattered by drugs, alcohol and prostitution.

There was just two of us from the college who had signed up, and the first question he asked was do either of you drink alcohol?  I knew this was coming because he'd been very clear in the placement information that this organisation 'does not take anybody who thinks it's okay to drink alcohol.'  The other guy said no and I had to say yes.  So we talked for hours about the nature of the ministry (he actually said that those caught in addictions will rip you apart for being okay with drinking because they see it as you supporting the thing that has enslaved them and ruined their life), of alcohol and of Jesus himself.  I had already wrestled with this a lot as I considered this placement; what was my culture, my beliefs and what am I willing to sacrifice for the ministry to which God has called me.


But then at the back of my mind is the constant awareness that I am at bible college, studying theology.  And I'm terrified of cutting myself off from the people I love and who I am in their lives.  How easy it could be to get caught up in 'ministries' and forget what it is to simply love and be real.  For a second I envied the guy who could simply say 'no' he didn't drink until I felt the whisper of the Holy Spirit affirm it's okay that we come from different patterns, different lives.  And whilst I do think alcohol is okay in many contexts, I don't want to deliver a hypocritical message for the sake of my own integrity as well as that of the organisation.

So anyway, being the strong woman that I am, I crawled into bed and cried. I can feel Satan attacking every fiber of who I am today but surely that's confirmation that I'm heading in the right direction?

I don't know where to begin in figuring out my stances and values and the sides I take in these debates but I can feel the Lord telling me its time to lay down the striving for perfection and togetherness, and remember who it is I'm living for.

5 reasons why I am in love with today

1. I just got in from my first legs, bums, tums work out.  And lets just say that it even hurts to type.  My body has never worked so hard in its 19 years, but the instructor was awesome and out of the whole class he would come over and encourage me...he even went and got me a lighter weight at one point (how embarrassing!) then recommended a swim..sauna...walk; something tomorrow because, "you'll be feeling it." Thank you very much, I already am.

2. I had my first lecture today, first assignment, first intimidating theology books out of the library.  I know I'm a loser but the international students here have been really showing me that it is a privilege to learn.  I have a Chinese friend Helen, who talked the other night about how little resources there are on Christianity, the outside world and even China, back home.  She says she has learnt more about China being outside of it that in her whole life there.  She explained this is why people joke about always finding her reading or studying in the library...she knows these books and teachings wont be available when she returns.  Another girl Raquel from Venezuela who just moved in across the hall from me told me she picked up English from TV shows, movies and music. Wow, her English is perfect. I know my enthusiasm for classes is likely to soon fade but right now, after a years break, I'm excited to be in education.

3.  The people here are lovely.  I'm already feeling secure and at home here. All first years get assigned a third year buddy, I met mine and she's a beautiful girl...she was really sweet, asked if I had any questions,took my number and I thought that would be that. Well the past few days she has text me every day to see how I'm doing...today she text me to say she liked my cardigan! I made a mental note to be an awesome buddy when I get to third year!

Then next door to me lives a girl named Ali.  I'm pretty sure she has the gift of encouragement and I'm pretty sure she doesn't realise it.  But she told me today that she had facebook stalked me and my pictures were crazy.  She then went on to say "And do I see that you have a boyfriend? You too look really good together.  The way you look at each other you can tell that you love each other."  Then at dinner she said "I can tell you have a funny side, you started off all quiet and professional but i'm looking forward to getting to know that side of you."  Its these small things that give you the confidence to walk tall through the day.

I could actually write a bit about all the people I live with because they are great, but this probably isn't making a very interesting post!

4. Today Lindsey, a gorgeous lady from Georgia, threw a painting party in the lounge simply because she had some paint to use up.  So us girls made posters with our names on for our doors...and the boys watched because apparently painting isn't 'manly' haha.

5.  I have so many times asked the Lord to give me diligence.  And I think it may be starting to slowly arrive because it sounds stupid but all of a sudden I love cleaning.  Cleaning the kitchen, doing dinner duty...whatever, I'm enjoying waiting on people.  Maybe I just have to much time?

oh and 5 1/2.  Naomi has arrived in Belfast so Friday I get to see her lovely face!

So there you have it, today has been great so I figured i'd share my joy.  Soli deo Gloria.

Wooly tights and umbrellas.

...Meanwhile in a small village in Northern Ireland.  I have finally moved out, and this time it feels real.  I have a slight fluttering in my stomach that tells me that this is it, I am doing LIFE.  And I love it! Ireland is beautiful, it's green and rainy and I feel as if I should always have a pint of Guiness in one hand?

I'm classed as a 'foreign student' here so I get to live on the small bible college campus.  Not everybody has moved in but so far I share 'home' with French, English, Americans, Pakistani and there's a guy from Cosovo, I think?  There has been so much meeting and information I can hardly remember, but the important thing is that everybody seems lovely.  My college is a 5 minute walk from the center of the tiny village of Dunmurry and a 10 minute train ride from the city of Belfast. I popped into Belfast yesterday with a group of new students and went off alone to find Queens University where I will register for classes Tuesday.  So far everybody I've met here is doing the Cumbria Theology course so I'm hoping to find some Queens friends soon. But anyway I let myself be a tourist for the day and enjoyed the freshers events in the Botanic gardens, had the biggest crepe i've ever seen and generally looked around.  Just when I was getting tired and feeling a little alone I bumped into the group I had come with so travelled back to the college with them.  I think that's what I'm looking for this year, a balance between an awesome support network of friends that I can genuinely love, and alone time to study, listen to the Lord and just hang out with myself.

So in search of this balance I went off to church by myself this morning.  The other English girls went to the local baptist church but I felt a draw to the village Presbyterian church (http://www.dunmurrypresbyterian.org/welcome.htm.)  Despite the fact I can hardly spell the word, I have no experience of this denomination, so I thought why not!? Well I was a little nervous when I walked in behind a man in a suit but all was fine.  It was more formal than WBBC, less formal than the Church of England services I would attend through school; but I can appreciate hymns so that's fine with me. The Reverend was considerably younger than the majority of the congregation and he used a clip from Harry Potter to illustrate his point...so I'm pretty much sold haha. But he welcomed me afterwards and was really lovely, as were several really sweet older men who swept me into their conversation.  Everybody here is incredibly disappointed that I don't have a geordie accent and I'm running out of explanations that don't involve the term 'private school' haha.

But anyway I walked home (in the rain) with a smile on my face because its all new and I think I can really see myself there.  I can't help myself but keep telling the Lord, 'I love you' and I have a feeling he is taking great joy in my acknowledgement that I can trust him and that he just might know what he's doing.

So the fun begins tomorrow when orientation weeks starts and all the other students arrive.  I have a feeling life is about to get very busy.  Wednesday we head out to the Mourne Mountains (I'm told this is where C.S.Lewis was inspired to write the Chronicles of Narnia?) for a sort of retreat, so I look forward to that.

A heartfelt thanks to everyone who has taken the time to text and find out how its going.  All prayers are greatly appreciated...I'm fully aware that this is only the beginning!

I love my last name because it connects me to you.

Today I went on a run with a white legged, highly irritating personal trainer. My father. Running makes me do two things I am trying to avoid in order to fool my future bible college friends into thinking i'm a lady: 1) spit 2) cuss.  But it also makes me feel great; my first achievement in well over a year.  And today I smiled as I ran a frustrating stride behind my super fit father because my Dad thinks I can do anything and I will always be thankful for that.

Today I also went dorm shopping with my Mum.  I can tell that she is getting sappy because she wanted me to have the WHOLE of ikea for my teeny tiny dorm room.  I now have a vase though I have no body to buy me flowers, a candle i'm not allowed in my room and a gazillion 'storage solutions.' I know that she wants to me to have a home when i'm not at home.  And when we afterwards went grocery shopping (picking up a years supply of shampoo and stationary etc) we stopped for a cuppa.  I sat down and said "Mum, I really miss Tyles today," she said

"I know, but I'm so proud of how well you have done, being away from him"

And that makes all the difference.

I had to tell them to leave my room if they are going to kiss today.  Colin and Sarah-Jane you are slightly mad, a little annoying and not nearly as funny as you think you are.  But I love you and I love being your daughter.

The Lord's Mercy on Israel.

There is no denying that I have big feet.  My Momma used to console me with the word 'proportionate'...which I just took to mean that I am giant too.  Many a time, in the weeks just before school started I would fight back tears when the 16th shoe shop told me they didn't carry my size.  And of course I would eventually find a pair but I had cute friends with cute shoes and I always wished away the first day when the 'new shoes, new bag buzz' would die down.

So today granted its a little easier to find shoes my size, but still im an expert at figuring out which size 8s will give enough to fit a size 9 foot.  Well today I misjudged and had a long and painful walk to church.  I was late (of course) so by myself and I couldn't help but think...church is SO far away.  I have been making that journey for 19 years and church hasn't moved but today I wanted to take of my shoes and return to bed. This is for two reasons:

1. Worship makes me confront sin.  I am completely unequipped to even grasp the ugliness and repetitiveness of my rebellion so quite frankly i'd rather avoid it altogether.

2. I'm frustrated with God.  I'm frustrated that I am home with nothing to do, I'm frustrated that i'm moving to Ireland which is the opposite direction to my heart and I am frustrated that the Lord's plans for me are perfect so I can't really be frustrated at all.

But of course I made it to church and my feet will recover, and I was reminded of the beauty of the bride. And though I am frustrated I am far from miserable and I am excited to be a student in Belfast.  I can feel the Lord calling me into the wilderness so he can sing his love songs over me once again.

"Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her." Hosea 2:14

Foreign in Thailand.

Well for those who don't know, I am currently in Thailand for three weeks.  I am with my family and we are working in an orphanage for children with disabilities where Emma worked for 6 months on her gap year.  The children are absolutely incredible, the whole organistaion is pretty mind blowing.  Once again an ordinary couple have seen a need and been obedient in meeting it.  Thailand being a Buddhist country has a very low view of people with special needs, thinking they must have done something terrible in a past life to have been reincarnated into a 'disabled' body'. There are also many families who can't afford to look after a child with special needs or the disabilities may be the result of poorly carried out abortions. So the Thai government, big on saving face, builds areas where around 3000 children live on wards away from society.  We went to visit one of these places where we spent time in the day centers set up by the organsiation we are working with (CCD) so a small proportion of the children can come from the wards and recieve love during the day.  Supposedly the sleeping conditons there are pretty devastating with just rows and rows of metal beds, neglect and child abuse are frequent issues, with the Thai staff being just overwhelmed.  Some areas are locked off.

So CCD has rainbow house where I am staying and the younger children live, a girls house and a boys house. Here as many children as possible are provided home, food, day care and education, family and love.  Some children from the government wards also come to rainbow house during the day, often crying on the bus ride home. So we have been spending our days playing with these children, feeding them, catching the little ones who love to try and run away or jump in the swimming pool as well as doing drama clubs and other activities.  It has been incredible, there is one little deaf boy that has won my heart and I would absolutely adopt today if I had the means to support him. 

Thailand is beautiful, this is my first trip to Asia and it is definitely different.  I am pretty exhausted and overwhelmed by it all to be honest.  There are very few who speak English and so everytime we take a taxi (which is ALL the time... I was in 7 today!) we are always unsure as to where we will end up.  And i'm fully aware that if I lose my family I will probably be stuck wandering the streets of Thailand for life haha. This all makes me rather long for the comfort of being home, but it was interesting tonight during my quiet time the holy spirit really layed on my heart where it talks about us being 'aliens' or 'foreigners' in this world. This trip this concept means far more to me than it ever has; that even as I go home I am not called to comfort and conformity but only to christlikeness.  Its not an easy lesson to learn.

And I find myself back in my own bed...

I haven't blogged in forever, it took me a second to even remember my password! Mainly because I've had so much going on with moving home, but also because I don't think my emotions have been consistent for long enough to write a post haha.  But I am home and settling in and enjoying family life and walking places and alone time.

I feel a little like the Lord has put me in 'time-out' until I jolly well restrain my wandering heart.  And that can be lonely and I do ache everyday for Texas and those I love there (one in particular!).  But its easier in England to see that all aside from Christ is nothingness, since that is all that most are pursuing; which also makes it easier to be an ambassador of love because the contrast is so great.  Christ isn't so much in the culture here but he is in me and the Lord is daily winning our ongoing debate that this is what matters most to me.  I went to the homeless kitchen my parents volunteer at on Sunday and had an awesome time... but how different it is to provide food without even acknowledging a need for the gospel, as they do at Beautiful Feet.  This is the adjustment I am making.

I am glad to be here and I know this is a time of rest and growth, especially with the business of moving to Belfast for university so close.  But mainly I am childishly excited because my boy gets here in 4 DAYS and I get to be in his arms again and show him the people and places I love.

"What is man that you are mindful of him?" Psalm 8:4.

Sweet, sweet peace.

Today I had a chill day, I did literally nothing but sleep and lay in the sun and lay on the sofa...and well just a lot of lying.  But I also did a lot of thinking, about my life and where it is going and where I am.  Its not long before I go through a lot of change, in people and places and routine and culture.  And I've cried about it and worried about it, got excited about it (i've even had days of getting rid of things ready to pack away my things) and i've dreaded it.  My heart is divided between two places, two homes.  But for the first time today I feel at peace. I'm in love, with a boy but also in love with love that lasts, and I'm in love with a maker who has seen me like no other and has put together a plan, a beautiful story that i'm learning to trust.  Catching up with Naomi was a reminder to me today that my heart is full, and I love life.

Catch up...with more to come...hopefully

Time is flying by and so much has happened that blogging becomes overwhelming because I don't know where to begin.  My Mum came and visited, we went on the Spring Break mission trip to New Orleans, the Hargreaves visited and now Rachel has come out.  So there has been many British invasions which delight my heart but also make me think about how long it has been and how little time I have left. I have begged the Lord for certainty of my heart, of the future and of my faithfulness to him. But instead he is teaching me the beauty of change, the structure of uncertainty and how the only way I can be reliant on him is to be unsatisfied by the securities of this world.

New Orleans was for me a lot of stripping away all the things I place my identity in.  It was a hard week, I cried a lot, and was probably the moodiest person on the trip.  But it was also incredible.  I had no idea how different the next state would be.  And the way the hurricane and resulting poverty had drained the place of hope also drained me.  The constrution work was almost a relief, because you can be in control of an assigned task.  Whereas tutouring in the schools and the Vacation Bible School were completely out of control.
  But the beauty of the churches there was also overwhelming and the pastors we worked with had truely felt the call of the Lord to be Christ in their neighbourhood as Christ is the only source of hope.  One pastor, Richard spoke of being a father to the fatherless and this was so evident as he talked with high expectations of the boys entrusted into his care.  New Orleans taught me a lot about the realness of the gospel and the need to slow down in ministry.  I will never waltz into a place and assume I can turn it around just because I care, I believe in the power of the Lord but I'm also aware of the importance of understanding and becoming involved in a culture in order to bring about change.  The students were not overwhelmed with gratitude that I had come to tutour in their school but Richard was overwhelemed that we worked on his house freeing him up to do the long term ministry he was already grounded in. That is not to devalue short term missions, just that I learnt the value of well placed members of the body instead of throwing efforts in all directions.

Shawty

Today I attended my second memorial service of 2012...which sucks. But this one was at beautiful feet in respect of a homeless man, Billy who would eat with us regularly.  Billy was almost half my size and as he would come up to get his tray the community service ladies would always get excited and shriek "Hey Shawty" and I remember worrying that it would offend him.  Well it turns out that, that was his name.

Shawty passed in the night a couple of weeks ago as he froze to death.  This messes with me to be in such an affluent country of excess, how is it even possible for a man down the road to get so cold that his body stops? Shawty was 38 and died unaware that his daughter is carrying his grandchild as she was yet to track him down.

I didn't know what to expect from a Beautiful Feet Memorial Service, even just what to wear... but I kind of hoped to be able to tell about how beautiful it was with the homeless coming together as a family.  And I guess it was beautiful... the picked flowers one woman lay by his ashes, the homeless man that recited poems he had written and the fond stories shared.  But it was also horrible, the man who knelt before the table with his ashes on but messed up the cloth on it as he drunkenly struggled to stand back up and the many homeless knelt before the alter knowing that without change, their lives are headed in the same direction.  Holly talked afterwards of the brokenness of it all and how it is right that we come before the Lord broken, but it seems like these people are leaving broken too.  Christ brings wholeness and new life and I pray his renewal over the lives of these people.

In a way I too am homeless in America, puzzling over the hospitality, love and comfort I have constantly received in sobering contrast to the life of my neighbor who died on the streets because he had nowhere to stay.

'A Heart for Freedom,' Chai Ling.

This week I had been reading the biography of Chai Ling who found herself leading the student protests at Tiananmen Square in 1986.  She talks of growing up in the Chinese culture and how she developed a passion for democracy, the horrors of the Massacre and then her life as China's most wanted woman and her escape to America. So its a crazy, crazy story, softened...or sometimes hardened by the heart of a woman who longed for acceptance, her families pride (despite them wishing for a first born son) and the love of the men in her life who made commitments then abandoned her.

But the hardest chapters were the last three as she talks about her heart and work for the end of china's one child policy and the abortions involved in that.  This paragraph hit me hard...

"When you consider that 86 percent of all Chinese women have had at least one abortion and 52 percent have had two or more, and when more than 40 percent of American women will have an abortion by the age of forty-five, it's clear that hundreds of millions of women are victims of abortion, along with their babies."

I may have just been naive but I had no idea the extent to which this is happening, and I almost panicked trying to think back to when I might have carelessly talked about the evil of abortion in the company of somebody who has had and will continue to (for whatever reason) carry that burden.  I think abortion is an evil, but an evil of a broken society not of a woman who has been failed by society into thinking she cannot or doesn't want to bring her child into the world. I know of a very few girls who have had abortions but the statistics show that I am in the company of far more that I don't know about, so I wish to be so bold as to challenge that we need to get our hearts right on this issue and always speak on the subject as if we were talking to somebody who had just told us they have had an abortion.  I am pro-life but I am realising that there is no 'safe' Sunday School room for my unrestrained opinions and passions of the heart. "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

Update on my world... mainly for those I suck at keeping in touch with back home (sorry about that ;))

So here's a brief update on what life looks like right now.
Firstly my Mum is coming in less than 2 weeks to see me.  She is staying for three weeks and right now that is pretty much 50% of what occupies my mind.  I am SO excited to see her.  She will be coming on the New Orleans Mission trip with me which I am excited for, it is her first mission trip and I'm so blessed to be there with her.  I pretty much signed us up for everything together but what I'm excited for most is the Vacation Bible School we will be doing for children in the evenings.  It's cool to have to plan and take some responsibility in advance for the trip rather than just showing up and seeing where I can fit in as I always have before.  So spring break is the next big thing on my calender.  Then we have Chris then Rach coming over so our homesick hearts will be getting a lot of love over the next couple of months!

Beautiful is great but crazy as ever. Hol and I often find ourselves stopping and laughing at the situations we find ourselves in.  The other day we found out that one of Holly's (MANY) pursuers is supposedly wanted for murder and today we asked one of our friends in the kitchen about his girlfriend and it turns out he has five haha. But our friends there are definitely some of the funniest I know and most of them have stories that will warm and break your heart, which is good for me.  My heart could always do with being a little warmer and a little more broken.

Last weekend we helped out at the Disciple Now weekend at a church nearby that our friend Tyler Downing is the Youth Pastor at.  That was a really cool experience, staying in the house of a couple we didn't know and leading and teaching girls we didn't know and yet it was a weekend of laughter and growth and crazy games and appreciation of the body of the church. One really cool thing we did was a 'prayer journey' that was set up so for over an hour each of the leaders rotated through a number of rooms to be at different prayer stations.  A lot of it was to do with just slowing down and being still and letting the Lord talk to you.  It was pretty crazy for me how I can think I am taking 'quiet times' and I can think I am slowing down to be with the Lord but its not until ALL distractions were removed that I realised that my quiet times aren't so quiet after all and there are definitely some things that the Lord was desperate to tell me if I would only stop long enough to listen.

Then this weekend Delainey is home for her birthday celebrations and Priscilla is staying over so it's quality sister time ahead.  I have many many stories that I should have blogged on earlier but I will have to slowly catch up or I will get into the habit of infrequent blogging splurges.

So kiss me with your heart, touch me with your eyes and love me with your soul, I'll never compromise.

I will have:
- a swing
-small sofas so people have to snuggle
-a porch
-family nights
-date nights
-camping trips
-Sunday afternoon walks
-wedding pictures in the house
-books in the bathroom
-only one TV
-many, many blankets
-a dog
-a marriage journal
-flowers
-a big kitchen table
-candles in every room

I have no good apart from you.

Psalm 16:2  'I say to the LORD, “You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you.”' Has stuck in my head the past few days. I think this is true in two senses:

1. All good things, all blessings come ultimately from our perfect, heavenly father. All the good things and all the comforts I so love and try not to love are to nobodies credit but his. The beauty of creation and the created cries out to him.


2. There is no good in me, apart from him. My soul and my heart and my feelings are selfish and worldly.  I used to think that I could obey myself into holiness but it is only recently that I have seen myself love my sin and yet the Father repeatedly whispers to me that I can not fall from his boundless love.  And that is where the understanding comes that I have no good, no offering to present; it's not that I am less good now, it is that I had no good to begin with.  And yet in my bleakest moment, he looked upon me as lovely and worth redeeming.


So I have been humbled and broken and made empty by my own hopeless efforts, but my worship is purer and my dependency greater.  And so I start again.

yeah man.

Well I got back from a week in Jamaica on Sunday so I figured its high time I dust of my blog and share whats going on... but now there's so much going on that I don't know where to begin!

Firstly, Jamaica changed my life, melted my heart again and messed with my ethics. The organisation we stayed with was  http://www.wonbyonetojamaica.com/ which is run by a couple of Americans who have seen a need in Jamaica and wholeheartedly surrendered themselves to being the hands and feet of the Lord in meeting that need.  The area we visited in the Harmons had an unemployment rate of 90% with the main sources of employment being the Won by One organisation and a destructive Bauxite company that has scared the landscape and filled the village with false promises of improvement. Many children don't attend school as although it is technically free, parents have to provide lunch, a uniform, school supplies, take them to school etc and by the time it adds up, it would be a choice between the family eating that week, or one child attending school. This is devastating as I truely believe in the power of education to break the cycle of poverty and hopelessness... but on the up side there were hundreds of adorable Jamaican children, only too eager to help us out as we completed our daily service projects.

Our projects included the complete construction of two houses (still only the size of Holly and my bedroom, but the opportunity for security and a new start for two very appreciative families), the building of two foundations for the next team in to build on, work in the greenhouses, 'digging the pit' (I'm not sure exactly what this was all about, all I know is it was all men that were assigned this and they came back exhausted!) and then last but not least was the 'maul haul.'  The man who informed us on our work assignment introduced the maul haul as 'justice work' and though slightly back breaking, it was an incredible thing to be a part of.  Basically, when somebody saves up enough money to buy the rock to mix with cement to work on their house, the company drops it off in a big pile at the roadside at the bottom of the steep paths up to their houses.   Now if this is a single mother this will mean weeks of exceedingly slow and hard work just to get the materials up the hill to even begin work.  So we swept in with our crazy song singing and mission trip motivation and formed long lines and passed the maul up to the houses. One of the leaders with the Nac group we went to shared at our debrief how for him the maul haul served as an illustration of what the early churched looked like, with its simple service, each member getting no glory but that the Lord's work is being done.

My highlights of the trip were three events I shall never forget. Firstly the afternoon we spent in an infirmiry where hundreds of Jamaican had basically been sent to die.  All week we had been prepped for how this visit was going to mess with us then they sent us in with our bibles and the girls took in nail polish and lotions as a way to love on the ladies there.  At first everybody went in super cautiously, preparing themselves for the sight of adult diapers and rows of metal beds and people that couldn't speak but would hold onto you desperate to communicate with you.  Honestly, it was hard on the soul but you got past it and found somebody you could settle beside and love on.  These people shared about how their family doesn't visit and how they don't know how they ended up back in diapers but also about how much they love one another and the Lord.  They were so eager to be read scripture to and with nowhere to go all day, they would have no distractions from just spending the day speaking with their saviour. Our team coordinator talked about the importance of this visit as firstly he believes it is holy ground, with these people just waiting to step into heaven and secondly he believes that if Jesus was to come to Jamaica, this is the first place he would come..."whatever you have done for the lowest, you have done for me."  My quiet time after that visit was pretty incredible and I hope to keep revisiting my journal so as to not forget what the lord was teaching me. I had been praying, asking the Lord for vain things and the Lord just stopped me and made me take a good look at what I saw in the ladies at the infirmary.  These beautiful, inspiring women and the lord challenged me with wether I could see myself as these things if I was trapped in the same room, unable to walk and wearing a diaper.  It was a huge awakening to me as to where I find my value and whether it is enough to me to be a daughter of the king.

My next highlight was 'meals on heels' which was a night where our time of around 50 split off into groups of around four and had dinner with different families in the community.  Not only did we have the most delicious fried chicken EVER but just the fellowship and laughter was incredible.  It really spoke volumes to us about the bond of the body of Christ.  The joy of having just met a family and being able to leave after dinner, viewing them as your own family.  At one point in that dinner, they sang us the Jamaican anthem, then Del and Morgan sang the American anthem and Hol and I finished with the God save the queen.  It was just a truely precious evening.

And finally at the last night in the Harmons (we had one night afterwards in a hotel at the beach) we were led into the main meeting room in silence where they had lit it with candles and there were three bowls of water and towels.  Then one by one we washed each others feet, hugged and encouraged one another.  The sign of service and a reflection on the pure nature of our Jesus.  I was so thankful for the team that went, how they immediately loved one another and how they sharpened me into increasing Christ likeness.

So it was a week of cold two minute showers and hard, hard work but also a chance to join with the Lord with what he is already doing in Jamaica. I could talk forever about what I experienced there but I hope this gives an insight into what we were doing there. Thank you to all who were keeping us in your prayers.

The red headed girl with hairy feet.

Some of the weird things that I can't stand: uncrossed sevens, writing in blue ink, letting the microwave get through to zero without stopping it (which involves MANY last second dashes to the microwave), long nails... but worst of all; feet.
But in the shower today I remembered a girl I met in New Mexico back in August.  We were attending a camp seminar where the speaker made us all pair off. Now I had gone with two other girls so I went off to find a 'stranger' to buddy with. And we had to share our testimony and struggles with each other and all these other activities whilst the speaker timed us then we would switch over and she talked about her family and this guy she was dating who her family didn't like based on racism and it was just one of those Holy Spirit moments where you get to share your heart, without restraint, with a sister you will never see again.  But what I remember most about her was that she had REALLY hairy feet... but she was beautiful, and I sincerely want to remember that.

"She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks." Proverbs 31

So today at Beautiful Feet, we got promoted.  Gone are the days of stocking the storeroom or slicing cakes, today Holly and I were entrusted with making Chili for 800 people attending an event tonight, I hope you can envision just how much meat we had to fry between the two of us!  But as I see how different our time there has become it makes me think about the abilities we have that we never tap into. There really isn't all that much that you can't be taught, sure it may take time and there is probably always somebody who could do it better, but my fear is that one day we will come to the end of our lives and the Lord will show us what we did with our time then he will show us what we had the POTENTIAL to do with our time and we will be frustrated at the difference.  I know its probably an over-used quote but this is what came to mind today, 

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Honestly, everyday is a struggle against idleness for me: I could happily spend my days sleeping, reading, eating and watching the odd movie, but I know that the Lord desires SO much more from me.  So again I pray for diligence, knowing I'm the only one who can answer my own prayers.

Some would say its foolishness...

A couple of days ago I was reminded of one of my favourite stories in the Old Testament in 2 Samuel where, "David, wearing a linen ephod, danced before the Lord with all his might," and when told he was acting as a disgrace and a commoner he replied,

"It was before the Lord, who chose me rather than your father or anyone from his house when he appointed me ruler over the Lord's people Israel - I will celebrate before the Lord.  I will become even more undignified than this"

And I think that was a timely reminder that the ways of the Lord sometime's call for an undignified response of forgetting ourselves and all we strive to portray in order to fling ourselves into wholehearted worship, or to cry on our knees for the lost, or to be ridiculous with that friend who is lonely. Last night I read back through my latest journal and it half made me laugh at the random and ridiculous things I talk to the Lord about but it was also just crazy to see together how the Lord has been relentlessly pursuing me and speaking his love over me.  A love that requires more than a dignified appreciation;

[I will dance I will sing to be mad for my king 

 Nothing lord is hindering the passion in my soul  

And I'll become even more undignified than this 

Some would say it's foolishness but  

I'll become even more undignified than this].

Soli deo Gloria.

Corrupted holiness.

I've always been a big believer in personal holiness. Good works are easy to do and growing up in a lost culture I've seen many 'good' people doing awesome, selfless things, without knowing Christ. So although good works are of course important, I realised pretty fast that I couldn't persuade the ones I love that I am in a redeeming relationship with the creator of the universe by simply helping out in the nursery or because I taught sunday school...they wanted something more than that.

Instead I think the biggest evidence of those who love Christ is how they handle the small things; whether they freak out when things don't go as they planned or how they speak to their Mum, or wether they notice that person who's shy or having a hard time. THIS, I believe is our chance to become,

"blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world" Philippians 2:15

...and this, I believe, is where the greatest discipline lies: in the hours spent in scripture and prayer and good fellowship in order to become the embodiment of our faith. A new creation, to whom the automatic response is to trample the sin nature in order to resemble Christ instead. "Be holy as I am holy."

But anyway, the point is that this week I was reading Isaiah 6:5

"Woe to me!" I cried. "I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips"

And that's when I realised that I have been neglecting a major part of my holiness as I have failed to realise the extent to which I am influenced by the spiritual state of those around me.  Isaiah cried out in despair not only for his own short fallings, but also for those of his people.  And it was through this that the Lord convicted me that I need to take on the trials and struggles of those around me as my own, instead of just selfishly securing my own holiness: to aknowledge the oneness of the body.

And of course the Lord has been faithful in trying out my response to his teaching as my eyes have been opened to so, so much of the hurt of others the past few days. So once again I am thankful for the Lord's rebuke and thankful for him alowing my heart to break once again.

"The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned." Maya Angelou

Friday afternoons are one of my favourite times of the week because the bestfriend and I get in from a mornings worthwhile work at beautiful feet and I get to take a long, hot shower and put on my pjs and just read or watch a movie or do such leisurely things as blogging before the evening's activities commence, which tonight is a dinner date with one of my favourite women, Paula.  It doesn't take much to make me happy and Friday afternoons sure do fill me with joy!

Today I was thinking about some of the things I miss most about home so I thought I'd share a few...
1.  My yellow and green bedroom: which has to be one of my very favourite places in the world because it's MY space where my thoughts and opinions are what goes.  I love time spent by myself in my room but I also loved that there always seemed to be somebody in my bed: be it coming home from school to find Meredith napping in there or waking up to Emz snuggling in with me or Sunday afternoons spent with Holly and Rachel just lying in my bed, discussing the future and putting the world to rights or just if I was in bed reading or studying when any of our friends would pop over to see Emz or Meredith they would stop by my room and climb into my bed.
2.  There's a little place in Tynemouth called Luis wine bar where I would sometimes go with my Dad.  We would walk the 2 miles there and the 2 miles back and he would ask me all about the plans I have my life and I would tell him I still had none of it figured out then he would tell me all about his work and all the important things that he does and I would feel smarter for just spending time with him.  Then he'd tell me about the places and things he wanted me to see in the world and these trips would always pretty much go like that.  And that's somehow become my favourite restaurant, but it's the daughter-dad time that I treasured and miss more than the place or the menu.  I have a wonderful, wonderful Father and I hope to never forget that.
3. Monday night and Tuesday lunchtime Starbucks.  Mondays I finished school early and Emma and I would drive to the Silverlink and not really talk but just have our quiet times or write letters, enjoying each other's presence.  I think there's a lot to be said about enjoying the silence of another. Then Tuesday lunchtimes were the best because my school friends would always get so mad but every week I would take the metro to meet Holly in Newcastle for Starbucks and I guess you could call it 'accidental accountability.'  I know I get to live with Hol now but those short periods of time were just special as we shared our hearts and she almost seemed to give me the encouragement I needed to finish the week well.  Then she would go back to uni and I would go back to school, thanking the Lord for that friendship.
4.  Doing my homework in the kitchen whilst my Mum prepared dinner. I can't help but smile as I type this (and I hope you read this Momma)  but my Mother has a hilarious habit of talking and sighing to herself... especially when she's doing a task.  So I would tell her to stop because I was trying to "concentrate" which of course increasing the sighing and talking to herself and so the frustrating but highly comical cycle would begin... but I would never leave until my homework was done (or if I could tell she was about to ask me to lay the table.)  I'm realising a lot lately that I am becoming a lot like my mother and catching myself talking to myself is just one of the awesome ways in which this is true.
5. Praying with Meredith every night. A discipline and delight that I miss but thank the Lord for. We didn't always want to but we always did and it was always enough to soften my heart when it needed to be softened or convict me when the Lord was longing for me to just stand up. She would usually pray for the big things that I had failed to consider before, like the persecuted church and I would tackle the day to day like our families and school. It was a good routine, I liked that one.

'You can have all this world, just give me Jesus'

The other day I listened to a sermon about living for Christ not only in the significant but also in the cold, the boring and the mundane. And the guy talked about how he and his wife had thought about moving to a third world country for a few years to be missionaries and they'd asked the opinions of others and one guy asked what they thought they would be doing differently, (bearing in mind this is an AWESOME couple, heavily involved in their local church and investing in people there) and they thought about it and realised all the things they would want to do are things they could, should and need to be doing exactly where they are.  And I couldn't agree more, I forget that I'm only here for a year and instead I've caught myself trying to get comfortable, to surround myself with familiarity, even if its new familiarity: I have my favourite places, people, foods here... goodness I even have a pet fish! And whilst its such a blessing to feel so at home here I'm wary not to forget that my time here is short and my every action and relationship needs to be intentional in the same way as it would be were I on a few week mission trip to Texas.
  But more than that I am learning and remembering and re-learning that all the comfort and security I need is found solely in the fact that I  belong to Jesus.  To look at the things I tear myself up to strive after and realise that they are MEANINGLESS in the face of my saviour... my first love.

Hosea.

Holly and I went out of town last week to visit our sister Delainey at college, which was a wonderful break and we got to visit and catch up with our friends down there and meet what seemed like hundreds of new people (most of whose names I have already forgotten because if your brain has a 'new name maximum capacity', I think mine has almost reached it!) but most significantly I fell in love with the book of Hosea.

 We were at the women's retreat sleepover and the girls on leadership were sharing their testimonies and one girl talked about how she had been sexually abused when she was younger and had come to find her worth and acceptance in boys and relationships and the Lord just spoke to her through Hosea to say that the things she thought she was finding in these destructive relationships were actually from the Lord, he had given her everything, perfect love and acceptance and it wasn't enough for her, she was seeking to find her identity in lovers. And it just spoke to me because I think we all do that, we go looking in other places for things that the Lord wants to extravagantly bestow us or worse we take the things that the Lord gives us and accredit the blessings to others.  We throw our pearls to the pigs.  We fail to see that God is enough.

"She has not acknowledged that I was the one who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil, who lavished on her the silver and gold- which they used for Baal."

And the rest of the girls shared their incredible testimonies and it was just good to be able to cry with them and to understand a little better that our hearts are something to be treasured and guarded and pursued and that our God is JEALOUS for all of the glory.

So I'm still reading Hosea, alongside Meredith, but its definitely my new favorite book (I say that about every book ;))  and I find myself once again challenged by, and in awe of, the sovereignty of our Father.

"Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.  there she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt." Hosea 2:14-15

"She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue" Proverbs 31

I started writing this blog about some supposedly profound thought about the eighth deadly sin and the ways Satan steals our witness and then the Lord just stops me and lets me know "Luce, you're writing for yourself here, not for me"...

So I guess I'll save the profound for another day and instead talk about whats really on my heart.  And that's the 10 girls that I got to spend this evening with as they shared their hearts in our small group and talked about what they want to do with their lives and what the Lord taught them this summer.  As they talked about their hearts for missions and children and the unique ways to which the Lord has called them I had to stop myself crying as I almost felt as if I shared in the Lords pride for his girls, his daughters daily choosing him over the ways of the world.

I can't really further explain it, I guess the Lord is just teaching me to treasure the beauty in the simple, but tonight was a reminder to me to discover exactly whats important and to not be ashamed to keep my eyes on the goal. There is SO much at stake, SO much that makes it worth it. Oh, and I guess learning to not confuse what I want the Lord to be teaching me for a good blog and what the Lord is really trying to teach me for a good heart.

Soli deo Gloria - Glory to God alone.

A wink, a wave and a wiggle ;)

"Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." Song of Solomon 8:4. 

 I've always loved this verse, and even today as I begin a new relationship with the most amazing man of God, I continue to stand by it and accept it as a personal challenge.  With the dating scene as it is today and the degrading culture in which we live, I see my sisters in Christ settling for less than they deserve all the time.  This breaks my heart, but so often the Lord has to remind me to let what breaks my heart for others, also break my heart for myself.  Sunday was a reminder to me to put down all the things I am running with and simply BE in the presence of the Lord. To not be expecting to be let down or to prepare myself for disappointment, but to fully trust in the Lord's hand on my life and his plans for me.  I believe the Lord desires excellence from his children, not that he expects us to reach him through works, but that he has provided a higher standard in discipline, devotion, purity and holiness. But also that he wishes to pour out his excellence upon us, this may not look as we think it should, but it is always GOOD and is always satisfying.


God desires our relationships to reflect the Love he has lavished on us; for me this requires the strength to be vulnerable and the commitment to be whole in the Lord. My completeness lies in the Lord alone and my heart is his first.


But today I know that I am blessed beyond measure and thankful for the gift of a new relationship: a new adventure.

Christ in me, the hope of glory.

Ronnie texts Holly and I before he gets to work (and embarrassingly before we wake up) with an encouragement and a bible verse. Yesterday the verse was this,

‎"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7

and that's been enough to have me questioning my motives since. In Colombia last summer, the Lord used a devotional one of the team members did on Romans 8:11 to literally change me.  I could no longer pretend that my doubting my ability to do God's will was some kind of humility or meekness but I was in fact doubting the Spirit of God within me... the very same Spirit that raised Jesus Christ.  Well that blew my mind and to illustrate his point the Lord had us do things in Colombia that physically I would never have thought I could.  The Lord was speaking ADEQUACY into my life on that trip (Adecuada in Spanish) and has been reminding me of this persistently since. And I guess it got flagged up again when Brent asked me to give my testimony at Wednesday night church, and I literally type out my "sorry... no" reply (I really really don't like public speaking) when the Lords like "REALLY, you're really going to be that selfish and not let me use what I've done in your life so that you can sit back and be glorified."  There goes my spirit of timidity.
So then today when we were back at the homeless shelter and I find myself doing things that I would never volunteer myself as capable of doing I am shown once again that it is in our weakness that his power is made perfect. I love people who assume I can do things that I wouldn't think I could, but more than that I LOVE Jesus for reminding me today that as his children we are bought into adequacy... throwing off the spirit of timidity and instead clothing ourselves in power, love and self-discipline.

"Don't dwell in the plans of your future over the truths I have written on your heart today."

My future: laying down my future to the Lord has always been a struggle for me. The last year or so has been a lot about the Lord teaching me that I don't need a back up to his plans. This has had huge implications, especially on the way I approached school work, as the holy spirit convicted me that I needed to lay down my grades and that constant striving to be 'well qualified' for life, just in case I ever needed a plan B.  Or even coming to Texas, the Lord convicted me that I needed to close down my extra bank account because I was using it as a safety net instead of trusting in his providence.  In essence the Lord has been stripping the plans I have for myself away to show me that I need to put all my eggs in one basket: HIS perfect will for my life.

The Lord has a habit of casually filling me in on promises for my future, which can be awesome and exciting but then at the same time I have to stop my mind going into overtime as to how he is going to work these things out.   Now when I get a pen in my hand, there's no telling what the Lord is going to speak to me so when I looked down at my booklet in bible study today to see i'd written, "Luce stop trying to build a monument out of my plans because I will MAKE you lay them down," I really had to stop for a second.  I realised I have been turning the Lord's plans into my own plans, as if somehow he needed ME to make them happen?!

Galatians 3:3 "Are you so foolish?  After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort?"

The Lord is showing me that I am at risk of neglecting the heart he has given me today and the relationships he has put in my life right now out of fear that I might compromise his plans for my future.  I had not been able to see the irrationality of my fear.  The Lord does not set himself up against himself; the truths the Lord is speaking to me now CANNOT contradict the truths he speaks over my future.

So today is a call for me to lay everything back down, to stop loving independence, to stop loving perfection and to be still in the presence of my maker.

Beautiful feet

"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.  When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me" 1 Corinthians 13:11

There's something captivating about studying the word and singing songs proclaiming Christ as the 'worthy lamb' alongside those that society has proclaimed worthless. Today we headed downtown to see if there were any opportunities for us to serve at the 'beautiful feet ministry' for homeless people.  Straight away the Lord forced me to step up, I went to shake a mans hand (which is bizarre for me to initiate anyway, being an uptight Brit and all) and it wasn't until mid handshake that I realised he had a stump where he had lost one of his fingers, and just as I'm about to start freaking out in my head I'm ushered into the store room to start organizing donations and my attention is demanded elsewhere.  It may sound simple but that's when I realised that as a child of God I am called to be different: different to my shallow instincts and different to the world. At Glorrietta Collegiate week, the speaker spoke a lot about how in order for righteousness to become our true nature we must UPROOT our sin nature to allow good fruit to grow.  I can definitely feel the Lord digging up the roots of my flesh and beginning to slowly replace them with a heart after his that I might "put my childish ways behind me."  Chelsea White quoted this the other day and it stuck with me, 

'The woman who is busy helping the woman below her is too busy to envy the woman above her'

and I think there is great truth in that... we can read books and go to seminars on creating our personal theology but it is not until we go out of our way to "preach good news to the poor..bind up the broken hearted... and proclaim freedom for the captives" that the Lord can fully instill his truth in our thinking and his compassion in our hearts.  For example I've been thinking a lot lately about the value I put on my own life and weather I really would be willing to die for the kingdom, it took a lot of surrender to answer that yes, but its a whole other reality when you are in a situation where you wouldn't be able to protect yourself.  And when Christ whispers 'you are safe' you realise that HAS to be enough...whatever 'safe' might mean to a man crucified at 33 haha.  I'm not really worried that any of these homeless men or women will kill me but I AM realising that for our feet to be beautiful we must go, and that true theology lies in the serving of the Lord.

Perspective in a miracle free zone.

I read this quote the other day,

"Dear God, forgive me for thinking too highly of myself.  Dear God, forgive me for thinking too lowly of myself.  Dear God, forgive me for thinking of myself too much."

and goodness, this is true of me so much of the time...why, when Christ's invitation to follow requires us to 'pick up our cross' is my prayer life so obsessed with my own happiness?  The Lord had to remind me again today that this year is not about me creating a trophy of good deeds for myself and that my time and skills aren't actually mine to delegate... but that regardless of what happens I need to be SATISFIED in the knowledge that I'm where the Lord wants me right now. This is a challenge to guard my attitude and my tongue...

"I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full"

But I also think that in order for our opinion of ourselves to be too great, our opinion of God must have become too small. Today I read in a study that I've been doing for the last few weeks about how the author had been praying with his wife that their house would sell, he then went to pray with his two daughters before bed and the 4 year old prayed "I pray for all the people in the world that they have food and don't get burned by hot lava."  So he thought that was cute and made note to tell his wife, when he was suddenly convicted by the Lord that when he prayed his prayer that the house would sell, the angels were saying to each other "what a cute prayer...can God sell his house...thats precious" but when the 4-year old prayed the entire heavenly host poised themselves ready for God's word to be put into action, "Get food to the people in greatest need through the children of God!  Redirect that lava flow in Hawaii!  Get ready to move!."  He basically went on to challenge whether we are praying God-sized prayers for things that only God can do, or are we just asking God to fix the things in our life that make us uncomfortable.

'The Irresistible Revolution' talks about how in our western lives we often isolate ourselves from miracles and then complain that we aren't seeing God move.  For example if we are hungry we go to the supermarket, if we are sick we go get a prescription from the doctors, and so on.  As a result we search for alternative meanings to scripture, for example what if when we prayed "give us this day our daily bread" we really were on our knees, relying on the Lord to provide the food for that day. Its like David said at bible study last night, if we believe God made the world by speaking it into existence then the rest becomes a piece of cake.

John 3:30 "He must become greater, I must become less"

Top 10 differences between life in the UK and USA

Today I figured I'd fill you in on the less profound parts of being thousands of miles away from home... in the schools we go into, the kids often ask us if it's different in England and in what way...I never really know what to say so I normally just reply "well its colder" which lets be honest, they probably already knew, so here I am sitting down and thinking about the top 10 difference between life in the USA and England...

1. people drive a lot more...everywhere.  I used to think this was laziness until I experienced living in this heat first hand as well as the fact that everything is way more spread out...so I can now say its definitely NOT laziness.  Although I did go for my first jog here this morning when Jared told me I was lazy for still being in bed at 9am (not that I was proving myself or anything...)
2. The sky here is BEAUTIFUL at all times, but especially in the evening.  The Lord has definitely been speaking to me about his awesomeness through just the beauty of the sky.  Looking up and realising that the one who made this is jealous for me and my heart...man it just blows my mind.
3.Hospitality is a big deal here. Its not forced, people just invest in each other more and are way more generous which has been super challenging.  Not just with money but the way the adults have invested in us and the youth is really huge. Im certainly not short of role models out here :)
4.  Food: different food, more food, gross food... we went to the middle school to hang out with some of the youth there at lunch today and one of the girls there was eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, a little tub of apple mush and some super spicy crisps/chips that like die your hands red, it made me miss my really beautiful school dinners.
5.  Football now means 'American football' to us; we like to think of ourselves as 'personal cheerleaders' as we have been attending everyone's football and volleyball games... and of course our favourite is the weekly pep rally which fully lives up to our highschool musical expectations
6.  Girls like to wear massive bows in their hair... which Im yet to partake in (I think my inner feminist refuses to let me look like a present). But Holly and I have made a team S.W.I.T (Southern Women In Training) so by the time I leave I should be a true woman and have awesome wife potential haha.
7.  Boys are way more chivalrous with opening doors, carrying things, paying for stuff.
8. There are really nasty insects everywhere and the spiders BITE...
9.  People here really love their country and all things American
10. Not many people have a lot of love for Obama </3... political debates are a lot of fun, thats not even sarcastic, its really interesting to hear why people have the views they do and seeing we share the same faith but yet have completely different political ideologies

Why do we say that we're blessed?

Lecrae (the great theologian ;)) once wrote,

"How do I gauge success,Why do I say I'm blessed, Huh, Is it the car that I drive or the place that I rest or the way that I dress?"

I love living in the bible belt, it's like a breath of fresh air for the Lords presence to be so acknowledged in everyday life, just last night eating with Del and Holly, our waiter said goodbye with "God bless" and gave us a 'Jesus pen' to write the receipt haha ... that just doesn't happen in England.  Obviously this has its frustrations and disadvantages because I guess I'm still pretty naive to 'cultural Christianity'..so I'm still prone to be shocked and I've certainly never been so thankful for the gift of discernment.  But I know that the Lord is using living in a Christian home for the first time in massive ways in my heart right now.  I didn't realise how much it would affect me having a  man I can call Dad, who leads the house in blessing the food, who I know is praying for me and who NEVER stops telling me he loves me.  Not that Ronnie is in any way a replacement of my Dad, I am so thankful for my Dad and all that he does for me... its just cool to see how the Lord is making sure I don't miss out, by providing an example of  a godly father and a standard that I don't want to compromise in my own husband.

But anyway, back to the song, being here I hear so many things classified as God's "blessings" and this has been a challenge to better acknowledge the Lord's hand in my life in the small things, but also it has got me thinking whether we make choices for our own selfish gain and then justify them by sealing them with "isn't the Lord good?"  For example, we are 'provided' with more hours at work so we can buy another car, which of course makes life more comfortable...and this becomes the perfect example of God's providence: but is this what the Lord really wants accredited to his perfect name?  Or even, one of my girls had a shop assistant reduce a dress for to the perfect price for her...is this a reason to say we are blessed...or does the Lord in his greatness see us throwing away $40 dollars on a 'cute dress' whilst his other children are starving for the sake of not being able to afford a 10p dinner? This is something I can't wash my hands of: I'm just as guilty as the next 'privileged' Christian, but something the Holy Spirit is relentless in convicting me of; probably just waiting for me to actually do something about it....

Oh and my mum gave away my fish....

The way of the Lord ALWAYS leads to unity

"Too often, Christians are all about brotherly love until somebody slips up.  Then it's like they're dead to us.  There's no place for them in our pews or in our prayers.  We abandon them at precisely the time they most need us.  Guess what happens?  Just as Paul suggests, people do become discouraged.  They aren't able to recover." Boom.  I haven't been able to get this out of my head since I read it the other day (in what turns out to be a pretty sketchy book actually.)  I'm realising that as Christian's we create a culture of perfectionism that we impress on our brothers and sisters and in doing so bind ourselves by the very same law.  The result: the scandalous breakdowns of people we thought were 'so godly' and the inability to share our struggles fully for fear of not looking 'together' enough.  I know for me its one thing to admit my struggles to the Lord, but when he then tells me I need to share it with Holly its a WHOLE other level of repentance.

So when I find myself guilty of this fickle 'brotherly love' I realize the need to go back to the classic 1 Corinthians 13 and remember that love "does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful, it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth." I do not want those who's company the Lord has blessed me with to fear I will reject them when they stray and nor do I want to bind myself to an impossible standard of perfection and self-preservation.  I guess I'm just learning the fullness of GRACE and how it must impact the way I live my life.

On a more lighthearted note, I just went to my first baseball game, drove in America for the first time had the joy of coming home to a bestfriend with a tub of Ben and Jerrys and an episode of outnumbered. Lifeisgood.