I've spent a lot of prayers the last little while wishing that I was stronger.
Wishing I was stronger when...
I'm running late to something I vowed to myself I'd be on time for.
When the thought of doing laundry or the dishes makes me roll back over in bed instead of getting up.
When busses and trains make me anxious though I've travelled a thousand times before.
When I cry countless times because I'm insecure or feeling out of depth.
When I hide because that day my body is my enemy and I'm scared to spark a battle.
When public speaking leaves me irritable and fearing I have nothing to offer.
When criticism can't be constructive because I've redirected it to speak to the very core of who I am.
When I'm feeling foolish for crying after a phone call about yet another system that makes no sense to me.
If only I could be stronger, if only I could cry less. If only I could learn my lessons faster and be less of a burden. If at last I was stronger, then I could be of more use to you, Lord.
"No."
He says time and time again.
Are you listening?
"My power is made perfect in weakness."
Lucy, are you listening?
If only this lesson would stick with me...
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