Love is not a victory march.

"You wont relent until you have it all," I've sung it, I've believed it but now I feel the weight of it.  A wise lady in my life spoke to me of how when we love there is always the risk of hurting, but we do not stop loving.  That is the beauty of love, that we pour enough in that it hurts to be apart.  We can protect ourselves from the risk of hurt by loving half heartedly or not at all, but this is not what we were made for.  And I will not let myself make that compromise.

Its hard to not be sad over the future I had nurtured and planned out for myself but I keep going back to a conversation I had with another friend I have been blessed to meet at college.  He talked about how back home in Kenya, they have a completely different concept of time.  Time, for them, is not an entity to be utilized, it is not slipping away.  When you stop to talk with someone, you are making time not wasting time.  He also talked of how they only have a 2 year concept of future and past.  If he were to make plans for something any further away they would ask him why he was worrying about it.  There is no such thing as 'your 5 year plan.'  What a stress relief that would be! I have tried to keep this in the back of mind lately.  I have no reason to believe the Lord will not be faithful with his plans of good for me, as he has each second of each day of my life so far.

And lastly, God has spurred me on with hope as he refocuses me on my calling.  A spot has opened up for the Thursday night prostitute ministry with Teen Challenge.  So I will be reducing my time working with the homeless men at the night shelter.  I can not believe this is happening quite honestly, I had always wondered what country, what organisation, what qualifications would be my way in to this work.  Yet the Lord has brought it right into my lap. I am so excited and so very terrified, I am completely unequipped, even getting there I am scared for (some beautiful friends are letting me drive their car).  But I finally feel like I have no time for my insecurities and lack of confidence anymore.  Life is too short, and some things are too important.

So there it is, my cold and broken hallelujah.