Googling whether there are riots on tonight that will cause roads to be closed. Studying a map of the city centre for the thousandth time. Wrapping up in a hundred layers. Okay I am exaggerating but I was nervous to be back at placement after the Christmas break.
I drove in, I got lost, I can NOT grasp the one way system and let me tell you there is nothing more frustrating than going right next to where you are supposed to be and then being in the wrong lane so end up doing U-turns up the Shankill. I called local friends, no reply. I called the women I work with; wounded pride.
Got lost several more times, parked and walked.
For the first time no women came to the bus. When we did our rounds it was dead on the streets.
Drove home, got lost, found my way, and the tears came.
I have been given such a specific call over my life; it is impressive and exciting. And I absolutely can not do it.
Humbled. Defeated. Disapointed.
But I am certain those prayers of loneliness and desperation when I'm lost in an unfamiliar city and it is just the Lord and I, I am certain that they are the purest. In those moments I'm not a Christian, or good, or a theology student;
I am simply lost and I need my God.
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