The weariness found in the RISES and FALLS of esteem.

I believe passionately that I am to be true to myself.

But my secret is that it is tiring.

I do NOT agree with a consumerist culture where we posses beauty and run after fashion.  I do NOT believe beauty is found in a size, or can be measured by our ability to never change; your jeans always fitting right or your skin always remaining smooth.  Deep in my spirit I know that beauty does NOT demand perfection.

But I say 'deep', because sometimes that knowledge is buried.

The world does NOT testify to the convictions of my spirit.  Beauty IS to be consumed and measured.  It is an understanding of the eyes: not the heart or the ears or the mind.  And its tiring being watched, because we do NOT always wake up to clear skin and our clothes do NOT always fit right. It's tiring because the world has power to undermine our value.

I read a while ago and have pondered since: one of Satan's most subtle and successful lies of all time is convincing women they look better with make-up.

'Although your esteem may rise and fall, your TRUE worth never changes.'
And so be it.

And He said to me...

"My child, it is good for you to be near to me.  I love to lavish blessings on you out of the abundance of my love; a fount that will never run dry!

But my blessings only go so far, as a sign post to me.  I long to draw you towards myself and minister to your soul.

Lucy I never designed you to be strong, as it is written, it is in your very weakness that my power manifests itself and brings forth perfection.

I see the devil whisper lies to you; two fold lies that at the same time put a demand on you to be perfect in your own strength, he tells you you are almost there, if you could only be a little better you will spare me of the duty of perfecting you on your behalf.  And then in the next breath he speaks and shouts your imperfections over you.  He drags mistakes up from the bottom of the ocean of my forgiveness.  But my forgiveness, though similar in vastness is NOT an ocean; there is no bottom, no distance to which the blood of my son can not flow.  No stain is too stubborn to be removed.  I desire for you to live in the freedom of this truth, not to be bound up in the malicious, yet subtle lies of our enemy.

I do not need you, yet every day I am jealous for you.  It is good for you to be near to me, rest in the shadow of my wings.

I love you, Abba, Father."

The beauty is in the story.

Thursday brought with it Belfast Bible College's retreat.  We headed to the beautiful coast to enjoy each other's company and wait on the Lord.

It was a rich time of fellowship through eating together, worship time and midnight walks.  The teaching over the two days was different; a fresh perspective on both the gospel and life at BBC. We were reminded of the profound way in which Jesus spoke through silence, then focused on his use of stories to communicate.  Each story being a journey to be experienced rather than a dispensable  means to a moral.  This is both transforming of how we view Jesus' parables and applicable to the testimonies of our lives.  The beauty lies in the story; in the being, in the flaws, in the journey.  We can not extract the good and forget the very path that strengthened us.

Let us find freedom in his grace and fall into his beauty! I give thanks for the richness and potential of the community at BBC.

Who am I that you are mindful of me?

"When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him..?" Psalm 8:4

Its not even that he is mindful in that he created the human body so INTRICATELY that it can see and think and breathe and remember, and so EXTRAVAGANTLY that each person's thumbprint is unique.  Its not even that he is mindful in that he gave us souls and free will with the desire that we might choose to worship him, then pursued us with sacrificial love to ensure the door was always available should we choose to knock.  But today the mindfulness that leaves me in awe is that he is has a plan for every part of our lives, and he unravels it in stepping stones.

At church here I have become involved in working with the 11-18 year olds on a Sunday night, through a group called 'Focus'.  I had decided against finding a weekly placement through college with the hope that a ministry would come about naturally, so it fitted well when I was asked to help out.  Though nervous I wouldn't have the skills to connect with the young people, Focus has been a joy to be a part of and I have surprised myself with a feeling of urgency for them to come to know Christ.

Then tonight was 'connect' night at church which is once a month to unite the church and pray into different aspects. And the theme this time was our Focus group.  I got to hear for the first time of the issues and the prayer behind the group starting; the fact that there were originally just two people in that age group, and the fact that they were praying for leaders: cue Andy and I starting at the church.

And then the other victory; that Andy, Hannah and I had to plan and deliver this service.  Public speaking; something I had come to dread due to a time of a lack of self-esteem is perhaps slowly being returned to me (this is the third time I have had to speak at this church).  But the stepping stone is gradual because the Lord is a gentleman to me and the audience at Finaghy Baptist is small and generous with their encouragement.

Tonight I can't shake the sense that the Lord has far greater plans in store for me than I envision for myself.  He is not only mindful of me; he is EXTRAVAGANTLY concerned and INTIMATELY involved in every aspect of my life.  The very same God who made the moon and the stars, how can this be?