Fall on your knees.

I'm flawed and selfish. I am too young for wisdom and too old for innocence.  I do not know how to begin to love another as myself, at times even loving myself is too much for me.

In a facade of humility I strike up a parade of focus on me.  When I don't know the right answers I build up my walls and scramble to stay standing.

But one greater than I has strode in; one who knows how to love perfectly.  He is relentless in bringing me to my knees.

Never meant to stand in my own strength, I'm accepted whilst riddled with flaws.  My fickle heart must look up from the mire towards its maker if it is to learn anything of love.

Returning to England; life outside the bubble.

It is sweet, so sweet to be home again. My joy is complete, being back among family and familiar places.

But England feels cold.  Had I forgotten how secular the atmosphere is here?  Today catch ups have come with the news of affairs, suicide and people 'taking a break' from church.  My bubble was popped.  It seems there is a consensus of disappointment with life...with the church.

Tonight, as I headed back to Jesmond for a carol service, I reminisced on my school days.  How different was life with only one other christian in my year? How did I cope? Yet how much more disciplined was my witness! I had an awareness that for some I was all they would see of Christianity, and I took that responsibility seriously.

Let me remember this feeling of being worn out by the ways of the world.  How long it had been since I last crawled into bed craving the Lord's presence.  How long it had been since I felt this genuine ache for the salvation of others.

As it turns out, I quite like people after all.

I love all the articles circulating recently about understanding introverts. They help me understand and relax into quirks about myself that I used to fight.  I have always loved spending time in my own company, if I go too long without 'Lucy time' I become quiet and unable to interact with those around me.  I'm no longer myself because I haven't been able to recharge.

But in the past while, the way I view people has changed. My heart has been softened and opened by a delight in those the Lord has placed around me. It has been a blurred cycle of lovable personalities and a change in my attitude.  Beauty in people has altered my attitude and an altered attitude has allowed me to better see this beauty.

Returning to Texas was a surprising joy; I had anguished over whether it would still feel like home, yet so quickly the hospitality there overwhelmed me once again and I became firm in the knowledge that wherever my life journeys, I will always have family in Ft Worth and a bed to sleep in.

Then back home to N.Ireland, where I have independence and routine. I never have plans here yet delight in the almost constant company of others. I find security in the community of my college and my church but even more so through the investment of great friends; friends that are opening my thinking and growing my confidence.  Never have I more desired the will of God in my life, or spent more time contemplating that plan.  Perhaps I allow Him more trust as I get to live out the good plans He has directed me in so far.

Thirdly, being away from home.  The friendship I have found in my parents and sister.  My greatest supporters live on the outskirts of my life, yet a phone call home brings the laughter and council to mend any situation.  I am thankful for this distance that has made the heart grow fonder, but I am bursting with childish excitement to fly home on Friday.  Returning to Whitley Bay doesn't just bring family, but also the group of friends who know me best.  More than ever, since Summer, we have kept in touch, pounding each other with prayer requests and speaking support into each other's lives and decisions.

So, I ask myself if life has ever been so sweet? And I thank those who make it so easy to enjoy.

Soli Deo Gloria.