Having grown up a Christian, there are things I do not know or understand for myself. I never had a conversion from disbelief, I never thought this life is all their is, and I have never been an outsider in the church.
Until I moved away for university that is, where God quickly began to change my experience of the latter. For the first time last year, I found myself venturing out into the different denominations, looking for a personality fit, a housegroup and a group of friends to journey alongside.
I was met with none of these. Over the last year and a bit, I have worked my way through several churches, in a turbulent cycle of optimism, pessimism and always a final (or sometimes immediate) loneliness. Falling asleep in sermons, being made uncomfortable by huge chandeliers and expensive sound systems, stumbling through songs I don't know. Again and again I have found myself in a morning of awkward small talk or left to stand by myself. Recently, more than once, I didn't take communion because I was intimidated by the tradition; I had never gone up and knelt before; did I have to be confirmed?
I have officially been an outsider in church.
Finally, I have found a church. A small, local Baptist church, where the Pastor remembers my name, the girls invite me to socials and I have friends from college to sit with. I can relax with a church home. But I can't shake what the Lord has opened my eyes to during the journey to get here. Yes I need to remember to move over and talk to new comers, but isn't a bigger solution needed? If this is the experience of somebody who has been attending church for 20 years, what is it like for those coming for the first time?
