Processing today...for my benefit more than anybody else's

Even as I woke up, I think I could tell today was going to be a hard day.  So I was thankful that in our fellowship group time my group went to the America diner in the village for breakfast.  It was a welcomed break in the middle of my Early Church History class...the one module so far that goes completely over my head.  The lecturer talks about people, fathers, places and events that I have never heard of, and his accent is such that I can't pick up on the new words he says to make note to look them up. Its interesting, just overwhelming.

Then at lunch I had a meeting about the placement I have signed up to be a part of. And it broke through my heart. The organisation is Teen Challenge, set up by David Wilkerson in New York to work with young people with addictions.  You may have read about him in 'The Cross and the Switchblade' or 'Run Baby Run.'  And today I met with the man who has set up a Teen Challenge in Belfast, working with people who's lives have been shattered by drugs, alcohol and prostitution.

There was just two of us from the college who had signed up, and the first question he asked was do either of you drink alcohol?  I knew this was coming because he'd been very clear in the placement information that this organisation 'does not take anybody who thinks it's okay to drink alcohol.'  The other guy said no and I had to say yes.  So we talked for hours about the nature of the ministry (he actually said that those caught in addictions will rip you apart for being okay with drinking because they see it as you supporting the thing that has enslaved them and ruined their life), of alcohol and of Jesus himself.  I had already wrestled with this a lot as I considered this placement; what was my culture, my beliefs and what am I willing to sacrifice for the ministry to which God has called me.


But then at the back of my mind is the constant awareness that I am at bible college, studying theology.  And I'm terrified of cutting myself off from the people I love and who I am in their lives.  How easy it could be to get caught up in 'ministries' and forget what it is to simply love and be real.  For a second I envied the guy who could simply say 'no' he didn't drink until I felt the whisper of the Holy Spirit affirm it's okay that we come from different patterns, different lives.  And whilst I do think alcohol is okay in many contexts, I don't want to deliver a hypocritical message for the sake of my own integrity as well as that of the organisation.

So anyway, being the strong woman that I am, I crawled into bed and cried. I can feel Satan attacking every fiber of who I am today but surely that's confirmation that I'm heading in the right direction?

I don't know where to begin in figuring out my stances and values and the sides I take in these debates but I can feel the Lord telling me its time to lay down the striving for perfection and togetherness, and remember who it is I'm living for.